Q: What are browser cleaners? Do they really work?

Browser cleaners are software applications that delete cookies, cache files, and the history log of your browser. Some offer additional pop-up ad blocking capabilities. Sir Rodney believes they may be worthwhile insurance that can contribute toward your peace of mind—especially if your computer is used by other people.

Q: Can I clear my web cache and cover my tracks manually?

Yes, it is possible to cover your tracks manually, although browser cleaner software can be set to do this automatically and may offer additional protection against the use of surveillance programs and forensic software upon your computer’s hard drive.

Assuming you’ve had your fill of perusing porn for the evening or have just been rudely interrupted by an inquisitive spouse, Sir Rodney will walk you through this do-it-yourself process. You may wish to practice at least several times in case you must do this quickly in an emergency situation!

Microsoft’s Internet Explorer now makes it quite easy to “cover you tracks” as it were. With your browser software open, click on Tools on the top menu. Under the Tools pull down menu, select Internet Options. Doing so will produce a pop-up screen.

Next, click on the tab marked General. In the middle you will find a section labeled ‘Temporary Internet files.’ There are two buttons you should click: ‘Delete Cookies’ (removes cookies that may have been placed by adult web sites onto your computer) and ‘Delete Files’ (removes cached or temporary files of the web pages you have visited).

Now, look toward the bottom of the General tab. You will see a section called ‘History.’ Click the button marked ‘Clear History.’ This will remove the record within the browser of your having visited naughty places online.

You should now have your tracks covered fairly effectively, unless your friends, family, or co-workers happen to be both nosey and very technically inclined. Now, wipe off your keyboard and monitor. As Sir Rodney’s sainted grandfather, Lord Rodney, once said: “Smoke ‘em if you got ‘em.”

Q: How can I hide my porn surfing from my wife?

Sir Rodney sympathizes with your plight. His second wife was, like yours, so insecure that she actually felt threatened by two dimensional images. Sir Rodney prefers women who actually enjoy pornography and look upon his consumption of porn as an amusing foible that keeps him hot and ready. (One hot chick that Sir Rodney once dated referred to gangbang videos as “training films,” but that’s another story.) Anyway, you’ve made your decision relationship-wise, so here’s what you need to do if you want to be as safe from discovery as possible:
    1. Set up a hotmail or yahoo e-mail account for all your web porn activity. Log on every few days and delete the SPAM, keeping the e-mails that have the records of your membership joining and canceling.

    2. Start a home business of some kind and get your own credit card with your own billing information. Get a P.O. box for your home business and have the credit card bills sent to that address.

    3. Devise some sort of warning system so that your wife won’t be able to come home suddenly and find you ogling the screen or (worse) with your pants down and web surfing with only one hand. You might want to check out an X10 camera so that you can monitor your driveway while you’re whacking off.

    4. Get a USB hard drive and store all your porn on it. When you’re not actually surfing and downloading, disconnect the USB drive and hide it. Slap a label on it that says something like “program executable backups 1997-1999,” just in case she finds it. Hide the USB cord in the drawer where you throw extension cords; put a piece of masking tape on it saying “Possibly defective; do not throw away.”

    5. Purchase the program Evidence Eliminator and run it after every time you surf for porn. It will remove all traces of your web surfing and create a system that is “clean” of porn. (Providing you’ve disconnected the USB hard drive.)

    6. Have the number of a good lawyer handy, because she’s eventually going to find out what you’re up to and will be pissed off as hell.

Q: How can I hide my porn surfing from my boss?

You can’t. Unless your company is so small that it just provides access through a DSL or T1 link, your network administrator (the propeller head who keeps your company network up and running) has probably already installed software that logs all the web sites that the employees access. (Now you know why he snickers into his sleeve when you see him by the coffee pot.) If you’ve been surfing for porn at work, there’s a good chance that you’re in for a big surprise come your next employee review.

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